Back from Ghana and back to the blog

It's been a long time, eh? Let me explain.

Having this blog has helped remind me that I enjoy having an audience and that I depend too much on the approval of others. (Let's be honest - I've actually known that love attention for a while.) I've realized recently that too often I put the decisions of my life into the hands of those I would hope to please. This has led me to some great opportunities, but you can easily do the right thing for the wrong reasons. I'm standing on the edge of my summer and am about to dive headfirst into a doctoral program. Part of me knows that I chose this path because it would be another way to prove myself to others and gain acceptance from my peers and my parents. Luckily there is also a part of me that will be thrilled to continue in school, but hopefully you see what I mean about doing the right thing for the wrong reasons.

At first glance the solution isn't so complicated - do the right thing for the right reasons. That's not so easy when you've programmed yourself for 25 years to approach things the other way. Regardless of how difficult  it might be, my goal is to live my life in such a way that I get satisfaction directly from the choices I make and not from the responses of others to those choices. It's a work in progress.

Now let's bring this back to where we started: my recent hesitation toward blogging. A classmate shared an article on Facebook that speaks to the flare up of bragging in our everyday lives, consciously or otherwise. The article is well-written and speaks for itself much better than I could, so I encourage you to read it here. Some passages that stood out:

We've become so accustomed to boasting that we don't even realize what we're doing. And it's harmful to our relationships because it turns people off.

... 

People brag for all sorts of reasons, she says: to appear worthy of attention or love or to try and cover up our deepest insecurities. To prove to ourselves that we're OK, that people from our past who said we wouldn't measure up were wrong. Or simply because we're excited when good things happen to us.

...

...browsing Facebook or another social media site increases our levels of narcissism as well as our self-esteem.

I was excited to see how many page views my posts received I received when I began this blog. I won't lie - it even got to my head. I believe there is value in the process of taking an idea and twisting it around in your head to the point where you can clearly write it out, but then it comes down to the age-old question of to share or not to share? In sharing a post like this I might help a friend to realize that he or she is caught in the same unhealthy cycle of seeking the approval of others. If that case then sharing was the right choice. By sharing my thoughts (or any post, for that matter) I may also find that my friends and family offer their support through Facebook "Likes," comments, and such. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, at least not on their part. The problem comes when I view as personal validation, which can be too tempting to resist at times.

So here we stand (or sit, more likely). I'm still going to post, but I'm going to focus my attention away from using this as a tool for self-validation. Like many things, this will be an ongoing project.

Hope you guys are all doing great. I've just arrived back from Ghana and am staying at home for a week with my family. Next week I'll be back in Baltimore and am excited to see your friendly faces. Even more excited to get out into the woods and go hiking, which is the plan for Labor Day weekend.

Take care!